Extreme Christian Romance Part 1: Marriages that Rob the Cradle

I am not ashamed of the fact that I’m a born again Christian.

It’s fantastic. And it's the only philosophy that's ever made sense to me.

But be prepared. Just be prepared if you ever decide to join us, because your way of thinking is in for one hell of a facelift. Especially where dating and marriage is concerned. Legalism abounds in certain subsets of Christian subcultures. Why, oh WHY are so many of us just plain weird?

Oh, and be prepared if you're a young single person. Because some old harpy is going to take you under her wing and make it her personal business to hook you up, for sure!

I don’t know WHY some Christians insist that we all marry each other before we hit 18. Furthermore, I don’t know WHY they give me a pitying, withering look when they find out I’m single and happy about it.

These people - the close-minded ones that subscribe to the idea that you MUST be married in order to be happy - are just one polarized extreme from Christian dating gone horribly wrong. I’ll touch on the other extreme in another blog post, but for now I’m going to rip a new one in the types of Christians I call ‘Marriage or Die!’ extremists.

Want an example of a close encounter with a ‘Marriage or Die!’ extremist? Check this out:

MARRIED WOMAN: Hello, Linnie. How was your weekend?
ME: Fine, thanks.
MARRIED WOMAN: Are you married yet?
ME: No, sorry.
MARRIED WOMAN: *Bursts into tears* :’(

As if my ability to find a man defines me. Psh. What a load of bullshit.

I don’t go out with people because I don’t like them. Not because I’m resisting ‘The will of God’. Somehow I doubt God wants me to marry a socially challenged, overly romantic, idealistic little boy whose entire romantic experience is derived from the cheesy advice columns published in Lifeway magazine.

If that had been God’s intention, then He would’ve docked my IQ score a few points. That would be the only way I could possibly cope with such inane naive boyishness.

Also, He would have instilled in me a contentment to forego higher education and societal advancement so that I may spend the rest of my womanly years knitting, cooking, ironing men’s shirts, and cutting coupons for baby formula.

Have these matrimony-obsessed people even read the Bible? Paul was single, for crying out loud. He said it was good to remain single. Better, even, than marriage.

[Then again, this is also the guy who built tents for a living and was later stoned and shipwrecked, so maybe that's not such a valid argument anymore...ah well. Moving on...]

Look, I’m not writing this as a ’screw you’ to every married couple on earth. I think marriage is great if done for the right reasons. But I am just TIRED of being ragged on for being single.

I’m only 19. My biological clock IS NOT ticking that fast.

Even if it is, it sure the hell isn’t the church’s damn business.

Leave me alone! Stay out of my business! ARGH!

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That’s all for Part 1. Up next: Extreme Christian Romance Part 2: Let’s Ignore Each Other Until We’re Married.